Written by Minou Truong, MCP, RCC, CCC.
A year ago I was crying on the train on my way home convinced my relationship was over, because how are we possibly compatible if my partner doesn’t want to have sex with me? I knew I wasn’t the only one with this issue, but it’s hard to not feel so alone in this, especially when it’s something so delicate such as sex. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel pressure about having sex when he doesn’t feel up to it and it becomes a balancing act between my needs and his.
My partner and I were going through a rough patch where he was overwhelmed with work, which had completely shot his sex drive. It was hard for me not to take it personally, even though I knew logically it had nothing to do with me and that he loved me just the same. But sometimes love doesn’t quite align with sexual chemistry. Our workaround involved multiple things, which I figured I should share because I know I’m not the only one struggling with this.
1. Talk about it
This might seem like an obvious solution, but lots of couples will suffer in silence because they feel like sex should “come naturally” or that you should be “sexually aligned” with your partner in order for sex to be good – it’s actually the opposite. The more you talk about it, the more you guide your partner and the more you share with each other the more intimacy builds. It mirrors the process of getting to know one another on a date – the more you find out about a person, the more human they are to you, the more connected you’ll feel.I think we as a culture have been overwhelmed by what sex means, especially for women – one side is telling us it’s something private and should be confined to our bedrooms in hushed tones – the other telling us to fully embrace sexuality and be completely comfortable with our freak otherwise we’re not progressive enough. The truth – at least one I find most liberating – is that sex sits in your comfort. But I understand that this cultural tug of war makes talking about sex – even in our own intimate relationships – extremely difficult. So it might feel a bit awkward, but it doesn’t have to be a laundry list of sexual acts you want to go through, but just a check in – “Do you like this?” “Is this okay?” “More or less?” you’d be amazed how far a little communication can go.
2. Get creative
When people say “sex”, they’re often referring to penetrative intercourse. I think it’s high time we move on from that assumption and embrace what ALL sex looks like. People put a lot of pressure on themselves to have penetrative sex – especially cis-hetero men – but this in fact limits them from actual sexual engagement. If you or your partner has ever had the thought of “what’s the point of doing all this foreplay stuff if we can’t get to the main event itself?” then you’ve fallen victim to this mindset. Sex can be – and should be – any form of physical intimacy that feels right to you. Making out can be sex. Fingering can be sex. Oral can be sex. Anything you’re comfortable with, let yourself have sex without actually having “sex”. Sex can mean different things for everyone, sometimes it’s just pure fun, sometimes it’s an ego booster, sometimes it’s sharing an intimate and connected moment with someone you love. Don’t let anyone tell you sex is just one thing – sex is anything.
3. Non-monogamy
This is usually where people feel stuck. Opening up a relationship can feel very intimidating and treacherous to navigate, there’s a lot of complex emotions tied into letting yourself, and your partner, have sex or be intimate with other people. What’s important is preserving safety and communication between you. Lay down what is expected and negotiate on what can be compromised. It can be both relational and logistical – maybe you don’t want your partner sleeping over at someone elses’, maybe your non-monogamy involves no emotional attachments and just hookups, or maybe one of you wants to be non-monogamous and the other doesn’t. It can all work, you just need to agree on what the foundation is.
As you progress, you might find that you need to adjust the rules and negotiate further on what can and can’t be compromised, and that’s okay too. You can be as open or closed as you feel like is right for you and your partner, but it’s important to consider whether safety, security and trust is established before you dip your toes into non-monogamy. If you’re new to non-monogamy and polyamory, I highly recommend working with a relationship therapist to lay down the ground rules in your relationship if you choose to follow this route, because it can look different for everyone.
This is all to say that you’re not alone if you’re feeling stuck in your relationship when it comes to sex. Maybe some of these strategies will work for you, and maybe none of them will, but therapy is a great way to explore how to get unstuck – in a non-judgemental, professional space where someone can address your questions and help you get through the thick of it, to get to a place where sex feels authentic, fun and free. I know what it’s like and I’m here for you, whenever you’re ready.